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romance

The Only Person

The only person who is going to give you security and the life you want is you.”

– Anonymous

Being Single

Being single will save you a thousand times more stress than being in the wrong relationship.

– Anonymous

I really needed to learn this the hard way.  I think I spent a lot of time feeling like I had to be in a relationship – even if it was the wrong one.

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“True Romance” by Loui Jover

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On the Whole “Nice Guy Friendzoned” Thing

OhmyGod THIS:

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Misplaced Idealization

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Technically, you don’t want to model your relationship after either couple.  Romeo and Juliet were a teenage fling who committed mutual suicide and left several people around them dead.

Just a thought.  Be careful what you admire in fictional relationships – they could bleed over into the kind of real-life relationships you idolize.

Get to Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

My middle name is Elaine.  My first name is Irish Gaelic for “from the fairy fort.”

2. How old are you?

22 years old.

3. What is your birthday?

November 24

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Sagittarius on the cusp of Scorpio is my sun sign.  My moon sign is Aries and my rising sign is Aquarius.

5. What is your favorite color?

Purple.

6. What’s your lucky number?

24, my birthday day.

7. Do you have any pets?

A yellow lab and a tuxedo cat.  My family has also previously had a red eared slider turtle.

8. Where are you from?

A tiny little Southwestern town up in the mountains, by the desert.  There were rosebushes and pomegranate and eucalyptus trees all around my house.  My town was a small and dusty place; there was one main street and it lacked even a working movie theater.

9. How tall are you?

5 feet 4 inches.  Tiny.

10. What shoe size are you?

8 1/2.

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 or 4 at my immediate disposal.  5 or 6 overall.

12. What was your last dream about?

Satanic lesbian love.  No, I’m actually not kidding.

13. What talents do you have?

I can play the guitar, sing, write creatively, type over 60 words per minute, and read a crazy amount of words per day.

14. Are you psychic in any way?

Yeah, I have a lot of psychic experiences.  Dreams and premonitions, mostly.

15. Favorite song?

“Let Her Cry” by Hootie & the Blowfish.

16. Favorite movie?

500 Days of Summer.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Well, they would have to be intelligent, trustworthy, passionate, attractive, a good friend, and not all… clingy.  Also non judgmental would be nice.

18. Do you want children?

Yes.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I want an outdoor wedding.  With cheesecake, blue roses, and a black wedding gown.

20. Are you religious?

I’m a Buddhist Christian.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

For tests, and for visiting other people.  Never for an actual procedure.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

No.  I’m boring.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Ha!  I wish!

24. Baths or showers?

Baths when possible.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

White and pink.

26. Have you ever been famous?

On a fanfic posting level.  Somewhat.  I had one story that gained a lot of traction.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

I would like to be someone important.  Not necessarily famous.

28. What type of music do you like?

ALL OF IT!  But especially rock, pop, and country.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

I’ve never even had sex.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Two.

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I call it The Koala Position.  I curl around my second pillow, or the nearest available person, like I’m a koala and they’re a tree branch.

32. How big is your house?

Fairly sizable.  One story.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Nothing.  Usually just coffee.  Not very healthy, I don’t suppose.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

No.  Which is surprising, considering my Dad works on guns for a living.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

No.

36. Favorite clean word?

Effervescent.  Followed quickly by translucent, evanescent, gossamer, elixir, and crimson.

37. Favorite swear word?

Fuck.  It’s so versatile!

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

A couple of days.

39. Do you have any scars?

Yeah.  Not from anything dramatic.  Just from tripping over my own two feet while out exercising one day.  I can be pretty damn clumsy.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Yes, but I’m one of those people who only ever realizes they liked me after the fact.

41. Are you a good liar?

I don’t really know.  I’m so brutally honest most of the time it’s hard to tell.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

I have a reputation in my family for being able to peg someone correctly just by looking at them.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

I sometimes pretend to do accents, but I doubt I’m very good at any of them.  It’s just all about goofing off for me.

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I have a Hollywood accent.

45. What is your favorite accent?

Oh, I’ve gotta say probably Australian or Irish.  It’s a tie for me.

46. What is your personality type?

INFJ on the cusp of INTJ.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

I have a lovely black dress, a nice pair of dark shoes to go with it, and a good pair of opal earrings.  That’s probably my most expensive outfit.

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Hot dog, not hamburger.

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Innie.

50. Left or right handed?

Right handed.

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Surprisingly, no, considering my all consuming fear of bees.  The big ones are kinda scary when they’re right next to your foot.

52. Favorite food?

New York dogs and chili cheese dogs.

53. Favorite foreign food?

Italian food.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

I’m fairly clean.

55. Most used phrased?

“Oh fuck.”

56. Most used word?

“Fuck.”

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Not that long.  I’m not actually one of those women you have to wait an hour for.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I know that I’m intelligent and pretty.  That’s about as egotistical as I get.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

All the time.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Also all the time.

62. Are you a good singer?

I’ve had enough voice training.  I certainly should be.

63. Biggest Fear?

Never falling in love.  Bodily decay (though not actual death).  Bees and wasps.

64. Are you a gossip?

No.  I don’t like gossips; I’ve been on the wrong side of them before.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

The Soloist and August: Osage County were both really good.  The Hours was great too.

66. Do you like long or short hair?

I wear my hair short.  I hate how frizzy it gets when it’s long.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

I don’t know.  Who the fuck cares?  It’s not like I’m auditioning to be in the Oval Office.

68. Favorite school subject?

English, followed by history.

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

I’ve been snorkeling, but not scuba diving.

71. What makes you nervous?

Meeting new people.  Giving presentations.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Yeah.  I’m like a little kid in that way.  I’m always afraid the monsters in the dark are gonna come out to get me.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Depends on the mistake.  Usually.

74. Are you ticklish?

Yes.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

No.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

I usually take the lead in group projects.

77. Have you ever drank underage?

No.

78. Have you ever done drugs?

No.  I did once accidentally get high on prescription drugs, but that’s about as insane as it gets.

79. Who was your first real crush?

A celebrity.  Then a friend.

80. How many piercings do you have?

None.  I don’t wear jewelry often enough to warrant any.

81. Can you roll your Rs?”

Yes.

82. How fast can you type?

Over 60 words per minute.

83. How fast can you run?

Not very fast.  I’m kind of a wimp.

84. What color is your hair?

Brownish gold.

85. What color is your eyes?

Blueish grey.

86. What are you allergic to?

Nothing.  Dust and mold.

87. Do you keep a journal?

I used to.  Right now this blog is my journal.

88. What do your parents do?

My mother is a stay at home Mom.  She does the bookkeeping for my Dad’s small business, which works on guns.

89. Do you like your age?

I’m happy with whatever age I’m alive and healthy at.

90. What makes you angry?

My ideals being stepped on.  I have a very set ethical system and very fierce ideas about right and wrong.

91. Do you like your own name?

I love it!  It’s original!

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I love so many baby names I could never choose just one.  I’m probably just going to give my husband a twenty-name-long list and say enthusiastically, “I like all of them, pick one!”

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child?

I don’t care.  I want a healthy child, of either sex/gender.

94. What are your strengths?

My intelligence, imagination, and compassion.

95. What are your weaknesses?

My moody temper.

96. How did you get your name?

My father picked it out of a baby names book.  He thought it was beautiful and imaginative.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Yes, actually, some of them were!

98. Do you have any scars?

Already been asked.

99. Color of your bedspread?

It’s a quilt.

100. Color of your room?

Right now the walls are just plain white, but I’d like a lovely lavender with flowery curtains in the future.

Burning Candles

In the interest of honesty, I’m going to try to describe how I’m feeling right now.

Every evening, exactly at ten o’clock, I get really depressed for exactly two hours.  I have no idea why.  It is about an hour after I take my meds, and an hour or two before I go to bed.  Is it the meds?  Do I just get tired?  No fucking clue.

But when I get tired and depressed at the same time, I ruminate.  It’s a thing type II bipolar people kind of do a lot.  Some of the things I ruminate on:

– What if a horrible car accident suddenly took all my family away from me?

– What if I never find someone to fall in love with, and I go my entire life without knowing how that feels?

– What if this never gets better?

– Should I really start that new creative project?  Am I ever going to finish a creative project?

– What if the things I imagine and daydream about are really delusions and I only think I have control over them?

– What if all the people who I think like me actually don’t like me?

– Do I seek too much validation from other people?

– Do I annoy other people?

I don’t even feel particularly anxious when I have these thoughts.  They’re depressed thoughts, tired thoughts.  There’s also a general feeling of pain, misery, and loneliness.

I call this sensation “burning candles.”

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