Technically it’s not LATE at night, but it is evening, and I’m thinking, so here’s my brain vomiting forth thoughts.
Speaking of my brain. Tonight I’m thinking about all of its built-in self defense mechanisms. Everybody has them, but I think mine are unusually elaborate.
It will decide for me that I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I will be in a therapy session, and we’ll wander into emotional territory that I’m not comfortable with, so – completely unconsciously and totally unprompted – my mind will sift through all the emotion until it comes upon an intellectual way to analyze that emotion. And I will begin to analyze intellectually how I’m feeling, instead of actually admitting how I’m feeling.
Sometimes I’m not even aware I’m doing this until someone points it out to me.
Most of my delusions have been a form of self defense. Feel alone? My mind will craft a delusion for me that there are people all around me that I can’t see. Feel under confident? My mind will craft a delusion for me that connects me to someone important. Feel not listened to? My brain will give me a world where lots of people love everything I say.
But then I’ll become afraid of the delusion I have woven myself into, and so my brain goes on the defensive again. It has ever-shifting defenses that I’m not even consciously aware of. Caught in a delusion it can’t fight its way out of, it will compartmentalize my mind and create a part of me that is split off – uninvolved in the delusional experience – and objectively and nonverbally analyzing everything I’m going through, telling me that it is unreasonable.
So it creates my delusions, and then it tells me they’re not real. Both in an attempt to save me from myself and a reality that I can’t face. This results in me going to a psychiatrist and telling them I’m experiencing a delusion – when that shouldn’t even be possible. Part of going through psychosis is supposed to be that you’re unaware it’s psychosis.
Many of my daydreams involve me having imaginary conversations with people who aren’t really there. These invisible friends of sorts will help me tease apart and analyze my own feelings, and will give me positive feedback – positive self talk – for when I’m feeling down or uncertain. Sometimes I will begin to mouth the words I’m speaking to them, making it look like I’m hallucinating and talking to people who aren’t really there – when in reality I am completely aware that these positive, invisible people are not real.
Other times I will pretend that when celebrities, on social media for example, say something positive about someone or someone else’s work, they are really praising me and my work. This, I also know is not real, but it gives me a talented audience to speak to and a confidence boost when I need it.
Other times I will pretend that in a past life I was someone I admire, someone talented and important and amazing. This also gives me a sometimes much-needed self confidence boost.
In the end, my greatest line of defense is my intelligence and my imagination. They can solve any problem for me, help me endure anything – though sometimes at a price.