In the interest of honesty, I’m going to try to describe how I’m feeling right now.
Every evening, exactly at ten o’clock, I get really depressed for exactly two hours. I have no idea why. It is about an hour after I take my meds, and an hour or two before I go to bed. Is it the meds? Do I just get tired? No fucking clue.
But when I get tired and depressed at the same time, I ruminate. It’s a thing type II bipolar people kind of do a lot. Some of the things I ruminate on:
– What if a horrible car accident suddenly took all my family away from me?
– What if I never find someone to fall in love with, and I go my entire life without knowing how that feels?
– What if this never gets better?
– Should I really start that new creative project? Am I ever going to finish a creative project?
– What if the things I imagine and daydream about are really delusions and I only think I have control over them?
– What if all the people who I think like me actually don’t like me?
– Do I seek too much validation from other people?
– Do I annoy other people?
I don’t even feel particularly anxious when I have these thoughts. They’re depressed thoughts, tired thoughts. There’s also a general feeling of pain, misery, and loneliness.
I call this sensation “burning candles.”