In the interest of honesty, I’m going to try to describe how I’m feeling right now.

Every evening, exactly at ten o’clock, I get really depressed for exactly two hours.  I have no idea why.  It is about an hour after I take my meds, and an hour or two before I go to bed.  Is it the meds?  Do I just get tired?  No fucking clue.

But when I get tired and depressed at the same time, I ruminate.  It’s a thing type II bipolar people kind of do a lot.  Some of the things I ruminate on:

– What if a horrible car accident suddenly took all my family away from me?

– What if I never find someone to fall in love with, and I go my entire life without knowing how that feels?

– What if this never gets better?

– Should I really start that new creative project?  Am I ever going to finish a creative project?

– What if the things I imagine and daydream about are really delusions and I only think I have control over them?

– What if all the people who I think like me actually don’t like me?

– Do I seek too much validation from other people?

– Do I annoy other people?

I don’t even feel particularly anxious when I have these thoughts.  They’re depressed thoughts, tired thoughts.  There’s also a general feeling of pain, misery, and loneliness.

I call this sensation “burning candles.”

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