I’ll start with the best part of the day first.
I had a great conversation with my sister this morning over coffee about intersectional feminism. She’s getting more into feminism thanks to me. I introduce her to a lot of new stuff, especially food, drink, comics, and music. Occasionally books as well. She says I have good taste, and often orders the same thing I order at cafes and restaurants. She says I have a knack for always picking out exactly the right thing. I’m also leading our charge for music practice.
I had a lazy day today. I needed it because of the mood swings I’ve been going through. They’ve calmed down, and this is supposed to be a good thing – I even got some story writing done. All good, right? But I was alone all day, and once the mood swings had calmed down I had to fend off the waves of depression, in the silence. I’m also having occasional delusional thoughts and occasional suicidal feelings.
See, my mind is permanently broken, in one sense. Studies have shown that once someone has been seriously suicidal for a long period of time, that never really leaves them. Whenever they’re feeling bad or anxious or something happens, they will always have the stray thought, “Well, as a last ditch resort, I could always kill myself.”
It’s that kind of suicidal feeling. I’m not really going to kill myself… But the thought remains with me all the same. And the creeping delusions and paranoia are just eerie.
I made myself lunch, cleaned furiously, wrote some more – anything to take my mind off things. My sister is supposed to come back home so we can practice music later, but right now everything seems so hopeless and I’ve hit that point in my depression where I don’t really want to do anything except curl up in bed and cry.
But I know rationally that will only make things worse, so I’m trying to do other things in order to not do that.
UPDATE: Sister won’t be back in time to do music practice, so I’m going it alone. I somehow foresee a future in which I’m the only one taking music lessons.
I guess the good side is the teacher will have to deal with me then.
UPDATE: I successfully made it through a whole music practice. It was not an hour long, because of my disorder and its attention span problems, but also because with my sister gone I do not have as much to do. Still, I went through all my guitar exercises a few times, and I sang through my assigned song twice.
So that’s something.