So I’ve always had trouble both expressing and letting go of anger, pain, humiliation, hatred, and sadness.
I really have. I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling, so I keep it all bottled up inside because I’m caught up in this complex where my feelings aren’t valid. And that just makes the pain eat away at me, and drag on longer and longer and longer.
And sometimes I explode.
Like, this is how bad I am. I had a bully when I was six; I was still writing angry poetry about her when I was twelve, because I was being bullied again and it brought unresolved issues up and writing was the only way I had to vent my feelings. (Writing is sometimes how I vent, sometimes how I escape.)
Right now in my life, I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m allowed to feel what I’m feeling – without being ashamed of it, without trying to suppress it, without trying to overanalyze it, without trying to dwell on the memory that caused. I’m still learning that this is all part of the process of healing. That I’m allowed to feel.
So I’m angry about something right now, and I can feel myself cycling into a bipolar episode. And you know what? I need to stop that. Stop dwelling, suppressing, and analyzing, and just allow myself to feel a temporary pain. There’s nothing like suppressed disappointments to cycle me into a bipolar episode. My worst episode ever happened because of a serious disappointment, humiliation, and rejection – and the suppression and shame after the fact.
So I’m just going to be angry for awhile, and then probably, eventually, let it go. On that note, right now I’m listening to a Terri Clark song. (She sang “Girls Lie Too”, which is just amazing on so many levels.) The song is “I Just Wanna Be Mad” and right now it’s my theme song. And maybe I’ll write out a part in my story where characters are screaming at each other and people are being beaten up. And I’ll let myself feel without dwelling. I’ll let myself be a little bit petty and stubborn.
And then I’ll probably get over it. Because sometimes, paradoxically, you just need to let yourself be angry in order to stop feeling angry.
(PS: I put my MCR T shirts in my hamper and buried my MCR sweater under a pile of my regular sweaters. Just in case. I still think what they did was shitty. But I guess if I can forgive 5sos for being shameless womanizers and T-Swift for having a thing for drama, I can forgive MCR for being money-grubbing marketers. Maybe I was just expecting too much.)