If I plan on updating an every-day, 365-days-per-year journal, I guess I should start by telling you something about myself.

I am obsessed with books, comics, movies, and music.  You know how some people say they’ll “listen to anything” or “read anything”?  No, I actually will.  I’ve read tweeny romance novels and dark humor comic books about serial killers and nonfiction books about history and modern food health and shounen manga volumes and books of poetry and everything in between.  I will listen to any kind of rock, pop, or country you’ll throw at me, but occasionally I’ll also get into something that’s hip-hop, jazz, or rap.  I sometimes like K-pop and J-pop.  Instrumental music can be nice, from classical to Celtic to ancient Asian string music.  For fuck’s sake, if you say someone’s Alpine yodeling or Hispanic flute music is good, I’ll probably give it a try.  I even listen to the radio to keep up with new music, and follow Entertainment Weekly – I don’t ever want to become one of those old people who closes up their lives and never tries anything new.  I love going to the movies, and I’ve seen everything from horror films to superhero movies to gushy romances to kid’s cartoons to social dramas, but I favor movies with strong female protagonists and movies that make me think.

I was out of comics for the most part for a good while, after high school and during the early college years.  I just never had any time.  But now that I’m looking back, and starting to get a better handle on college life, I’m going to try getting back into comics again.  I must warn you, most of the comics I keep coming back to are manga – I have a love for Japanese shounen manga.

I am sort of obsessed with Harry Potter and boy rock bands, and I love me them pretty boys, so you’re just going to have to deal with that.  Gerard Way and Frank Iero are incredibly sexy (so are Aaron Johnson and Asa Butterfield, by the way), there is not a single member of 5 Seconds of Summer who does not have an awesome accent, Michael Clifford is hot, John Lennon was amazing, and I’m a Ravenclaw with a rowan and dragon heartstring wand (and UPDATE: a grey squirrel Patronus).  I stayed up till midnight at a bookstore when the seventh Harry Potter book came out and I am unashamed.  Now that’s out of the way with.

I’m not as much into TV.  I’m bipolar, which according to recent research means that I have trouble achieving Resting State Neural Connectivity, the kind of calm, at-ease state someone is in when, for example, they’re binge-watching on Netflix.  I have trouble sustaining my concentration long enough to get through entire series on my own.  But I am trying to get into some Netflix originals, where I can watch as much as I want, whenever I want.

I don’t like illegally downloading things and I am even on a great mission to buy every Bleach manga volume ever created.  After Bleach, Naruto is next on the list.  I see illegally downloading as the childish act of someone who doesn’t understand that artists have to make money.

My biggest hobby is probably creative writing.  I love writing creatively, from nonfiction to fiction to poetry.  I write for at least one hour every day, 365 days per year, including holidays, and I have since I was twelve.  My current struggle is to actually finish a project I start – I’ve done that maybe two or three times in my life, which is pathetic in comparison to how much I write.  I’m currently taking college level courses in creative writing.  This is my main source of nonfiction writing, but I also write short stories, poems, and fanfiction. (I will defend fanfiction to the death; there is plenty of sanctioned fanfiction out there that calls itself by a different name, and people love it.)  I’m not as good at longer-form fiction, which I’m hoping to improve over the coming fiction writing classes this next year.

I am currently in my senior year of college, studying Creative Writing and Marketing.  I hope to work in advertising, promotion, social media, and business writing while I publish original work in literary magazines and get my foot in the door.  I’ve already done an internship doing business writing for an environmental organization, and it was actually quite enjoyable.

My only other job so far in life has been as an assistant librarian in high school.  It was much more tedious.  Lots of inventory and a constant battle between me and the visitors who reshelved the books wrong.

I also once edited someone’s book for publication for a fee.

The other hobby I’m trying to get more into is music.  I’ve taken both voice and guitar lessons, and I start a new set of guitar and voice lessons tomorrow, along with songwriting classes.  My dream with music is to get to the point where I can just play music and it can be relaxing and thoughtless and it can just kind of flow – in other words, I want to get to the point in my music that I am already at in my creative writing.  I love music, but because of my disorder I have trouble sustaining concentration on practice sessions, so my current challenge is to move past that.

After that, I hope to go to some open mic nights and bars and just kind of play.  I just want to play music for people, as a night gig.  That’s my big dream.  I’m not going to lie and say I’m not ambitious – I am.  I want to be successful; I want to make money; I want to be the kind of person people listen to when I speak.

But honestly?  I don’t care how I go about doing that.  I could be a successful musician, or a successful writer, or a successful advertiser and businesswoman.  And no matter what, as long as I was successful and making money, I would be satisfied.

As for the jobs my parents have?  My mother is a stay at home Mom. She does the bookkeeping for my Dad’s small business, which works on guns.

I’m a small-town girl who dreams of being a big-city girl.  I am trying to move from tiny places to bigger places, in preparation for perhaps, eventually, a big city.  Once I graduate, I want to move closer to my family, and they’re in a fairly big town right next to a big city.  So I figure those are good stepping stones up to my ultimate, eventual goal.

I long for busy-ness, for importance.  I can really relate to that song “Daydreaming” by Paramore.  When she sings about living among countless people who play it safe, about wanting to get out and build her dreams, about her dream being all she has – that really gets me in the most fundamental way.  I long for something more than I already have.  I want to go to a place where I can fulfill my dreams, that satisfies my need for excitement, that’s not entirely safe.  But I know that if I go from a tiny place to a big place, I’ll be too overwhelmed, so I’m working up to it.

My hometown was a tiny little Southwestern town up in the mountains, by the desert. There were rosebushes and pomegranate and eucalyptus trees all around my house. My town was a small and dusty place; there was one main street and it lacked even a working movie theater.

My current home is in the dark green, rainy inland Pacific Northwest.  I’ve been here a couple of years.  I live in a college town; my parents are the ones living an hour and a half away, in a big town near a big city.

I love traveling and seeing new places.  I’m American, and so far I’ve been to the Bahamas and all over the United States, including to Washington DC.  I’ve gone snorkeling in the ocean, been to drive in theaters, gone to rock concerts, done whitewater rafting, been camping, visited comic cons, attended beach bonfires, and gone on night hikes.  I’ve been to the ballet.  I’ve been to both Disneyland and Disneyworld.  I’ve been to parties, I’ve been to fairs.  I’ve been pen pals with people from foreign countries.  And I’m not even close to being done!  I’ve been to tiny towns and big cities and everywhere in between.  I’ve been on road trips and plane trips and boat trips.  It’s all just so exciting!

My past hobbies include (I try a little of everything):

– Guitar

– Swing dancing

– Voice

– Ballet

– Tap dance

– Figure skating

– NJROTC

– Horseback riding

– Feminist club

– Honors Society

– Karate

– Creative writing

– Acting

– Photography

– Swimming

–  Yoga and aerobics

My past college courses include (I also try a little of everything):

– Western art history

– College writing concerning rhetoric, politics, and the media

– French

– Choir

– Literature as it intersects with science

– Critical thinking and philosophy

– Western history (particular emphasis on military history)

– Psychology

– Algebra

– Sociology

– Macroeconomics

– Philosophy and ethics

– Cultural anthropology and ethnographic methodologies

– Biology and society

– The modernization of China

– Jesus based on what we know about him as an actual human being

– Computer science

– Personal nonfictional writing

– Introduction to English major

– Western literature

– Beginning poetry writing

– Marketing

– French cinema

– Microeconomics

– Beginning fiction writing

– American literature

– Intermediate poetry writing

– African American literature as it relates to music

– Promotional strategy

– British literature

– Shakespeare

– Advanced poetry writing

My classes for next semester are pricing strategy, intermediate fiction writing, literature and film, and contemporary fiction reading.

I have never failed a course in all the four years I’ve been to college.  Not even the really advanced 400-level ones.  Here’s to hoping that continues.  And fuck you to all those colleges who didn’t accept me out of high school.  (I was a 2011 high school graduate.)

Previous majors I considered include psychology and cultural anthropology.  But marketing and creative writing are what I decided on.  I also took a year off from school once for health reasons, and I transferred schools two years into college, so college has changed for me a whole bunch of times.

I have been on many dates and in two relationships so far in my life (I’m 22 currently) – I have even tried online dating.  I broke off every one of them.  See, for a long time I felt like I had to be in the dating circuit because that was where everyone else was.  But I tried to force stuff that wasn’t there.  I also move very slowly in relationships and the minute I feel uncomfortable or pushed or confined, I balk.  It’s a problem of mine.  I think the closest I’ve ever come to being broken up with is once when a cute guy didn’t call me back after the first date.  I get paid a lot of attention from guys and am flirted with often; I’m amused by verbal attention and will even respond back, though physical attention tends to make me uncomfortable.  I have also had one virtual stalker – he was obsessed with a person he thought I was via the Internet; he only met me once in person for an hour – and I have no desire to repeat said stalking experience.

I am a virgin.  Not by force, but by choice.  You’d have to get pretty far under my armor to earn sex with me, and so far no guy has yet.

My first kiss was nice, though.  I waited until I was ready.  I was 21, and my first boyfriend walked me back to my dorm room door.  I shyly asked for a kiss, and he gave me one.  So that’s a nice memory.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve kissed, held hands, exchanged presents, made out, even done a bit of cuddling – though even in that kind of physical intimacy I’m really slow and almost hesitant.

I’ve just never fucked anyone.  I’m a tiny, skinny little virgin who sometimes doesn’t shave.  Deal with it.

My woman crushes, by the way, are Emma Watson, Lupita Nyong’o, and Malala Yousafzai. I also follow Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls.  As for my sexuality?  Eh.  Fuck I don’t know.  It’s all up in the air.  I don’t like to put labels on my sexuality; I see it as a fluid thing.

My favorite sloppy food is New York dogs and chili cheese dogs, my favorite fancy food is Italian food, my favorite snack is cottage cheese (no, really), my favorite fruit juice is cran-grape, and I’m completely addicted to caffeine.  Coffee, tea, chocolate, you name it.  I love green tea and herbal teas, iced tea with lemonade is excellent, and I like my coffee dark roast, black, strong, and so thick you could eat it with a spoon.

I actually don’t like the taste of alcohol.  Fun fact about me.  I can stomach some really smooth drinks, like a nice glass of red wine or certain mixed drinks, but overall I just don’t like the whole carbonated fizz thing.  I don’t like soda either.  I’ve also seen some pretty horrible things happen to people because of alcohol, and it’s made me wary.

My 21st birthday party was a quiet glass of wine with some girlfriends at a nice Italian restaurant.

I love guided meditations, self hypnosis audios, and ASMR videos.  They’re how I relax every night before bed.  Sort of in contrast, I also watch satire and stand-up comedy every night before bed.  I get myself happy with the humor, then power down with the relaxation.  Because of my disorder, those audios are the closest I can really come to meditating.

I also take a warm shower every night, to relax myself.  My one big indulgence is long showers with scented body wash (thank goodness I live in a place that is plentiful with water).  I love scented stuff.  One of my favorite things to do in the mall is go to Yankee Candle Company, sniff all the candles like they’re full of crack, and then walk right the fuck back out like I own the place.

I have a mug of something warm and non-caffeinated every night before bed.  And I have a sound maker that plays soothing, repetitive sounds to help me sleep at night.

I have a lot of trouble waking up in the morning, being on medications for my disorder.

I don’t have a car, so I walk everywhere – in addition to working out at the gym once a week.  Whatever, I guess, it’s good for me.  I am a poor college student and car insurance costs money – I actually do have a license.  I took my drive test at 16, and when someone jaywalked in front of me, my drive test examiner, who was from Brooklyn, sort of passive aggressively suggested I run him over.

I’m a feminist.  I support gay rights.  (My family is mostly conservative, so my opinions aren’t popular.)  I was a part of the Women on 20’s movement, and I often sign and circulate online petitions involving civil rights of all kinds – civil rights are my special cause.  I have given in times past to a charity that helps poverty-stricken people learn to grow their own food.  I was a part of my local chapter of the “Humans Of” movement; I was featured one day with a photograph, a story, and everything.

I’m old enough to remember 9/11 and the shit-fest that happened after it, the Great Recession, and the Obama election.  But I’m young enough that I didn’t really participate much in any of them (though the Great Recession did hit my family pretty hard).

I am a Buddhist Christian.  I believe strongly in Zen, and also in God and the Big Ten.  For me, these two things exist side by side each other.  I am a big believer in karma and reincarnation, yet I also believe in an afterlife.  I also think science and religion can exist alongside one another.  I believe reincarnation is the reincarnation of our energies, and God is the space around the universe from whence we came.  In fact, I believe God is a scientist; he made his experiment and now he sits back and is watching to see whether or not we will succeed.  So we have free will and the choice is in our hands.  Random tangent: why do we give God a gender?  He’s a non-material, bodiless eternal presence.  It’s not like he has a penis.  God should have his own gender.

I also often have psychic experiences, including premonitions, gut feelings about people, strong connections with people I have never formally met, strong deja vu, dreams of the afterlife, visions of the dead, and dreams of future events before they occur.

My personality type is on the cusp between INFJ and INTJ.  My astrology sign is Sagittarius on the cusp of Scorpio.  My moon sign is Aries and my rising sign is Aquarius.  If you don’t know what that means, don’t worry about it.  Most people don’t.

I can sort of cook.  Kind of.  I just bought a couple of big cookbooks and I’m working on it.  Adulting is hard.  I’ve been living on my own for a couple of years now, though, and it’s getting better.

I am like such a stereotypical hipster goth looking person.  I have short hair, square plastic black-framed glasses, black leggings, band T-shirts, skinny jeans, tank tops, a checkered sweater, and a black rock band sweater.  My best feature is probably my eyes, which are this pretty blue-grey color.  Though I gotta be honest, my body’s pretty rockin’ too.  And it feels so good to say that, after all the problems I’ve had with under-eating in the past.

I don’t really wear makeup or jewelry or fancy shit like that.  I don’t like getting flowers either.  I mean, they just sit around and die.  You really want to wow me?  Get me something I can eat or drink.  Or maybe, like, a library like Belle in the movie.

My favorite Disney princesses growing up were Belle and Mulan.  I liked Anastasia, too.  Such strong, independent women from such humble beginnings.  (With Anastasia, I’m talking about her time with amnesia.)  I’m from humble beginnings myself, so I can really admire that.

I don’t like doing things to my body: be they tattoos, piercings, hair dyeing, whatever.  I just don’t like fiddling with my body.  I don’t even like the idea of my body being fiddled with after I’m dead.  I’m not an organ donor (which is something I actually feel quite guilty about), I want to be cremated instead of buried, and one of my biggest fears is bodily decay – arthritis, deafness, blindness, dementia, etc.  I would never want to be kept alive by machines.

My other biggest fear is bees.  I’m not even kidding.  I know they’re important to society, but it’s really fucking creepy, the way they hover like that.  I see a bee, and I will literally run away like a little girl.  I’ve faced down rattlesnakes with less fear than I do bees – not even kidding.

Some horrible things I’ve dealt with in my lifetime:

  • Bipolar disorder, with symptoms including depression, irrational fury, insomnia, self loathing, not eating, delusions, hallucinations, and anxiety.  It also makes my mood swings during my periods worsen.  (As you can probably tell already, I take my meds when I’m supposed to, I’ve read several books about the disorder, and I follow BP Magazine to keep up with all the latest bipolar news.  I’ve also been through YEARS of therapy.  YEARS I tell you.)
  • A gynecological disorder where my uterus is overly tilted.  This can cause pain in my stomach and back during periods, painful sex, painful gynecological visits, and problems giving birth to a child.  Luckily it can be fixed.  I just haven’t worked up the nerve to have it fixed yet.  I hate the idea of medical procedures and surgeries that interfere with my body.
  • Childhood stomach and lung problems.
  • Extreme bullying (that’s where the “freak” part comes from).  It was a long, hard road finding my self confidence again.  This includes college dorm roommate problems.
  • Grief and loss, including the loss of my grandfather, my grandmother, a good neighbor of mine, and my first dog.

My favorite color is purple, followed closely by black.  I like both cats and dogs, and have owned both over my lifetime.  I love ugly little dogs, like pugs.  I don’t even know why, I just think they’re adorable.  I also think Siamese cats and hairless cats are really pretty.

My immediate family consists of my mother, father, younger sister, and our various pets.  I currently live in a college-town apartment with my sister.  Our parents and pets are an hour and a half away.  They all actually followed me up to where I was in school – it’s not that I decided to go to school close to home.

I don’t mean that I don’t like my family, I just mean that I wanted to be independent for a while.  My family is very… passionate and tumultuous and loving and irritating and argumentative.  We’re all the feelings, all the time.  I love them to pieces, but it can get tiring.

Past good friends of mine include a Christian bartender/waitress who wants to open her own small business, a Goth linguistics major, and my current closest friend is probably the wife of a professor who teaches where I go to school.  I get along better with older people, for some reason.  I also tend to befriend more women than men.

I guess that’s all I have for you for now.  That’s me: quiet on the outside, spazzy on the inside.  This is my first post in my 365-days-per-year journal.

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